So yesterday I returned to my ‘in house’ digital marketing job after 8 months, 8 months that have really whizzed by. As I stepped into the office it felt weird and familiar all at the same, almost as if I’d never taken any time off (aside from the fact I have a whole new load of shizz to get my head around!). To be honest, it wasn’t a total shock to the system as I’ve obviously carried on working with this blog constantly since Arlo arrived (hello, conference call with a brand 3 days after he was born), but it’s still very different to what I experienced with my first two children, as I was totally a stay-at-home mum then.
Of course, even only doing two days a week (and one of those is working from home), I still have the slight guilt and fear that if A doesn’t do as well at school as the big two, who are flying, I will forever question if it’s because I spent two less days a week whafting toys in front of him and singing ‘wind the bobbin up’. Which I know is RUBBISH and not at all true deep down, but an irrational side of me does feel a smidge of guilt.
But only a smidge, mind.
I actually really enjoyed my first day back, getting stuck into some challenging work and having lunch/wee/online lunchtime shopping in peace and with adult company. A is in great hands with a childminder I know already, plus our crack-team of grandparents are also absolute stars and doing their bit to help us. We really are very lucky.
Adam was away with work last night, and after picking all three children up from my in-laws and racing home with the car windows down and radio on full blast to try and stop the baby passing out before he’d had his bottle, I managed to wrangle them all to bed pretty successfully, but I felt EXHAUSTED afterwards. Huge props to those working full time with kids (I don’t know how you do it), and double props to full time working single parents- you are my heroes!
After just chucking pyjamas on them post-wash and putting them all to bed, I was planning on doing some blog- related work but just felt wiped. Annoying, as Tuesday is usually my evening for getting some stuff done whilst Adam is at football training, but I think I’ve just got to be kind to myself and accept that I’m going to be tired after a full day at work, and that Tuesday nights realistically will now be for relaxing. Which is FINE. I’ll have to squeeze the work in somewhere else. I think accepting this is important, and means I feel less of a ‘failure’, and that achieving that must sort-after ‘balance’ (that adults bang on about all the time) isn’t always going to happen either. And providing you don’t go massively ‘off-kilter’ either way, then things don’t have to be balanced all the time.
We’re so obsessed with achieving ‘balance’ that it probably actually stresses us out more. Some days I’ll get loads of blog work done. Then I might have 3 days off. Ditto exercise, other work, time with husbands/friends, sorting the house out etc etc.
Giving myself permission to be this feels better already- after all, we’re all just doing out best.